Thursday, March 13, 2008

Influences and some life-altering decisions...

Hey all you fellow bloggers out there!
So how 'bout it? What influence's your life? I have been thinking about that lately and when I honestly admit to myself some stuff that I had been allowing to influence me...I got kinda scared and really convicted!
See, the Lord really has been doing a major work in my heart concerning this...
This year has been really hard just because I have been going to a secular school and getting crazily stressed out and because I was so incredibly walk with the Lord began to fall by the wayside and now I find myself stuggling to regain the innocence and purity and spiritual maturity that I really lost.
These past few weeks though the Lord has really been "knocking on my door". I realized that I had a decision to make. Was I really going to continue living like the world OR was I going to allow the Lord to take control of my life once again?

I had my life all planned out as you all well know:
#1: Get done with GCC
#2: Go to BBC and major in Women's Ministries
#3: Room at BBC with an AMAZING sister in Christ
#4: Get married after meeting a really cute Christian guy at BBC of course
#5: Get out of college
#6: Pay of my 0ver $50,000 dollar debt
#7: Start my girls home
#8: lHave tons of beautiful little babies and raise them to love the Lord

This weekend that all changed. God has a way of taking our plans and then kind of crumpling them up, and taking them away and then REPLACING them with something so much better.
This weekend I went to a youth seminar with my Mennonite friends. And while I was there I really felt the Lord just challenging me to make a deeper commitment to Him and...NOT go to BBC in the fall. I battled it all Sunday evening. How could I NOT go? That was MY future! Everything depended on it! How could He close that door expecially as me and Cynthia ,the girl I was going to room with, were just starting to get really close? So, I went home and sought counsil from Mom and Dad.
One thing that had struck me during that weekend was the freedom of these girls who were not in school to go and serve the Lord in various ministries that did not cost a lot of money. I went home and just started crying as I was talking to Mom. I really knew in my heart of hearts ,that while I still wanted to open the house for girls and have a ministry to them , God for some odd reason (at least it seemed to me) did NOT want me at BBC.
I knew that if I didn't go (oh I used a contraction! My english teacher would have a fit :)) I would be more free to serve the Lord without have debt and loan payments looming over my head. I also knew that I could continue in my ministry with the abused kids youth group and could remain in Tae-Kwon Do.
And my main reason was that I would not be faced with the many temptations of being on my own yet. I know that I will have to face them someday but as a result of this past year I was not sure I could handle it.
So, with the blessing of Mom and Dad I decided to not go to BBC this upcoming fall. Let me tell you it was the hardest decision I had to make. I knew that I wasn't "quitting" because I still have the same goal: Ministry to teenage girls; the difference was that God had a different plan for me to go about it. And let me tell you as SOON as I surrended that to the Lord I just felt this complete and total peace that I had made the right decision just envelope me.
Has it been hard since? You had better believe it! I had to tell my future roomie I would not be going and that just about killed me just because BBC is were I WANTED to be.
Here is an intercept from a letter I wrote her tonight that kind of explains what I have been feeling these past few days:

"I have been thinking and then I just broke down last night and sobbed and was up with MOm till like 12:30. I just had hit the point where i was basicly blaming the Lord for not allowing me to live MY dream (aka: BBC with you and lots of cute boys) I just was so depressed and downspirited i did not know what to do...I mean...yeah it was just really rough.
I know that the Lord has a reason for both of us and a lesson for both of us to learn out of this. Maybe for me it is a test to see if HE is enough for me. IF HE is the 1st thing...not my dreams or anything like that...HE has to be 1st in my life and that is just so hard to grasp right now.
SO don't think that I am not struggling with this situation Cynthia...I wish that I could be at BBC with you and cute guys and great friends instead of here with no friends, no guys (NONE, I am not exagerating, I know NO christian guys), and just wanting out. I have wanted out my whole life and just when I thought I had a way (BBC) He shut that door...I think He is trying to teach me contentment or something!
So yeah pls. do not think that I have not had my share of tears over this (i was sobbing hysterically last night) it is so hard! But as I said before:
HE HAS A REASON!!!! As long as we both just surrender to Him He will show us...what the reason was.
I love you so much girl and that will never change...If we are never roomates here....I am sure we will have a great room in Heaven together!"

I know the Lord has a reason for all this but PLEASE I really do not know what to do or were to do. It seems as though He wants me HERE and don't get me wrong I am excited to see what the Lord has in store. I mean, I still have tkd and once school is out SO much pressure will be gone!
It is just hard because I have always wanted to just GET OUT and SEE THE WORLD. And here I am...all those dreams I had? Right now the one that was dearest to me heart, getting married, does not seem possible as I know NO christian guys (and I am not exagerating! Me and my 2 sisters and 1 brother are the ONLY teenagers at my church). I guess for me each day has become a time to just totally surrender.
So question (and pls. comment I will comment back to you) What influences are you allowing into your life? We live (as a whole the American church) such cushy christian lives with one foot in the church and then one in the world. THe movies and clothes and books and music...That is what the Lord has been challenging me on lately. Are you up for a challenge? Something to really think about...
Pls. Pray for me...and if you have an overabundance of cute christian guys send some over to Western NY! LOL :)
Blessing to you all!

Ps: if you have any advice or ideas or know of somewhere that needs some people to come help minister to teen girls pls. let me know by contacting me at


Anonymous said...

I am sooooo proud of you, girl! I sympathize with how hard it is sometimes to do what God calls us to, especially when it goes against what we even thought He wanted us to do before. So glad you made the right decision. Call or email me sometime, k?
~Annie Oakley

Anonymous said...

O Katy, I can feel what is probably only a little of your pain and disappointment, but I know Jesus is there to comfort you. I too am happy for you that you made the right choice. As I have learned from personal experience, when God says, "No" to something, He always gives us something better in His time. That is not to say that it will look better to us right away, but that He knows, loves, and cares about things big and little in your life. I am praying for you, dear Katy. Keep loving Jesus with all your heart!
Love you!

Anonymous said...

Katy...what a beautiful thing God is doing in your life! Surrender...yes--it's so hard, but God will bless you richly for it! Thanks...I needed to hear this! This is such an inspiring post! Love ya girl!
(a kindred spirit)
<3 Marissa :-)

Anonymous said...

well i know that god has a plan for you even if it is not going to BBC. i know that god will find something for you in your life time. i know he has for me, and that is going to college and becoming a teacher. well i'm proud of ya!